Desire

Donna Kauffman in the novel Not So Snow White writes "You know, when you let yourself really, really want, you're forced to open yourself up to everything inside you. You have to be willing to leave it all out there, too, no matter how messy. It's the only way to get what you want. At least it's the only way for me."

That really spoke to me when I read it. About a year ago, I decided to seek a mate--I had been divorced for 15 months, separated from my third husband (who was also my second husband) for a year before that, and I realized that I wanted to share my life with someone who wanted to share his life with me.

I had been on vacation--twice actually--in the Keewenaw, which I think is just about heaven on earth (although Ketchikan with no snow is a close second now). The sunsets, the woods, the camping and the cabin stay, the water, wind, sun, and cool nights--all of it left me feeling lonelier than I had ever thought possible. I thought that the loneliest thing in life was to be so in love with someone and so alone in that feeling and relationship.

So I wanted, really wanted, and decided to do something about it. I prayed a lot, of course, and kept hearing that God helps those who help themselves. So I did. I put a personal on Match.com.

It's very nearly a year later. I've had a profile on match.com and several other sites for various periods over the last year--some Christian sites, some more "adult-oriented" sites, and some just plain old friendly kinds of places. I've gone to singles events, joined Parents Without Partners, returned to attending MENSA meetings, and even gone on a singles cruise. I've been helping myself a lot, praying all the while.

And, as Kauffman says, it's been messy. I had a friend once who, when faced with sexual frustration (he didn't want a deep relationship just a regular sex partner), said "It's good to want" as he smiled away his concerns. And it is good to want--it certainly reminds you or me that I'm alive.

What I think I may not be able to do, or do well or effectively, is to communicate that want. I know that there is someone for everyone--your shape, hair color, the tone of your voice even--all of these things can change over a lifetime or a relationship. Still, there's someone for everyone. But if no one realizes that you are interested or wanting or even needing someone, then how do you find that person?
Does it need to be so very focused, that you know the count of every hair on the head of your beloved? Do I have to visualize and how could I do that and still have an open mind with so specific a visualization?

My heart knows. My heart knows every wrinkle at the corner of my to-be-partner's eye. He has been there in my dreams over the last three years--real, living, and all too concrete to just be a dream.

In person, in a group I am too shy to speak my want or even to hold my head up, to meet someone's eyes and let them see it in my gaze. And, one-on-one, not knowing how a person feels about me, what he (or she, too, actually) thinks about me, I am unable to freely expose all that is messy--this wanting and knowing.

And yet, it's the only way to get what I want. At least for me--which may well be why, in nearly 54 years, I have so rarely gotten "what I want"--to be wanted in equal measure.

but, not for lack of trying.